This week I have felt like I was losing my mind. The depression has been so bad it has made me want the ground to open up and swallow me whole.
The crying has been unbearable. And while there are moments where I feel nothing, or might manage to put on a brave face, there is a dark cloud hanging over me, that just won’t shift.
Turns out iron deficiency ie: severe anaemia can impact your serotonin levels and screw up mood and cognition. Bingo!
Serotonin is a chemical your nerve cells produce. It affects everything from emotions to your motor skills. And while every two months I hit a wall and feel very low, this time it’s nothing like what I am going through.
Despite the daily yoga and walking, my endorphins have not been experiencing the same natural high as usual. I have come very close to turning to alcohol but have stopped short, reminding myself the cancer does not need any more help and to stay sober.
Mind chatter is hard to handle for a normal, healthy person, but throw cancer and the death of a parent into the mix and it’s volatile as hell.
I went to see my haematologist. I love this man so much. Smart, patient and understanding.
It’s time for my next transfusion. I am exhausted mentally, brain fog, dizziness, passing out after eating and I have felt worse than normal. Solitude feels like a punishment.
Grief doesn’t help, I know. And although I am slowly coming to terms with my father dying, my emotions feel like something out of my control that just won’t improve, not matter what I do or how I reason with myself.
I am back in hospital today for another two bags of blood. Those vital red blood cells not only feed my body with oxygen to prevent organ damage, replenish my cells and muscles, it’s crucial for regulating my mental and physical wellbeing through serotonin.
I am relieved to have been reassured by my specialist that I am not a crackpot, and there is a biological explanation. He said, “Don’t worry the blood will definitely help,”.
So here I am again. Bags 15 and 16 today. Big sigh.
I really want the pain and the darkness to go away.
whogivesamonkeys 
Faye Duncan
February 10, 2022
Thinking of you and sending lots of love. You are an inspiration as always, Faye
Michael Charnley-Heaton
February 10, 2022
Sending big hugs your way Asha xx
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John Ferlinc
February 10, 2022
Very sorry to read this – sending love and best wishes. Hope you are feeling much better soon.
Venessa
February 10, 2022
Sending you love, prayers and hugs as you go through this time of grief.
Rajiv Popat
February 11, 2022
Hi Asha, you won’t remember me, my name is Rajiv. I met you briefly around 10 years ago at the University of Leicester. I think you were with Channel 4 at the time, I was with ITV Central covering the discovery of Richard III in a council carpark.
Sorry to hear about your dad. I can’t imagine what it’s like coping with that and an illness.
Over the years, I’ve enjoyed reading about your adventures & doing the things most of us only dream of.
I just wanted to wish you well & sending you positives vibes for a speedy recovery…hopefully it won’t be too long before you’re diving, gliding, climbing or doing something equally fun.
urbanprimate
February 12, 2022
Hello Rajiv, thanks for the message. It’s a very sad time. Especially not being able to physically support my mum.
I have an incurable bone marrow cancer that impacts my life everyday. I have not been in the water for more than 2 years and I can only try immediately after a transfusion. Up until now lockdowns in provinces have made that impossible. I will not recover from this cancer, it is slow growing and here to stay. But I am making the best of better days while I have them. Look after your health it is the most precious thing in the world. Without it, you have no quality of life.
Rajiv Popat
February 12, 2022
Hi, you’re so right about health but sometimes it’s fate – I lost my mum when she was 62 and ‘she did all the right things’ and my best mate, a fitness fanatic, was only 43 when he died.
Stay strong today. You have your mum’s support & she has yours. Nothing else matters. Other relatives’ hurtful, snidey comments are usually about jealousy. They’ll never understand the bond you have with your parents or the love you share. Let them judge, they probably always have and always will. I’ve had that with certain family members so I know all about that, trust me !!
Saying goodbye to your dad will be one of the hardest things you do. Take comfort knowing how much he loved you and was proud of you. You won’t be there in person but in a bizarre spiritual way, you will, because you’ve written the eulogy and I’m sure your mum will feel your presence & strength.