Here we go again…..

Posted on February 10, 2022


This week I have felt like I was losing my mind. The depression has been so bad it has made me want the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

The crying has been unbearable. And while there are moments where I feel nothing, or might manage to put on a brave face, there is a dark cloud hanging over me, that just won’t shift.

Turns out iron deficiency ie: severe anaemia can impact your serotonin levels and screw up mood and cognition. Bingo!

Serotonin is a chemical your nerve cells produce. It affects everything from emotions to your motor skills. And while every two months I hit a wall and feel very low, this time it’s nothing like what I am going through.

Despite the daily yoga and walking, my endorphins have not been experiencing the same natural high as usual. I have come very close to turning to alcohol but have stopped short, reminding myself the cancer does not need any more help and to stay sober.

Mind chatter is hard to handle for a normal, healthy person, but throw cancer and the death of a parent into the mix and it’s volatile as hell.

I went to see my haematologist. I love this man so much. Smart, patient and understanding.

It’s time for my next transfusion. I am exhausted mentally, brain fog, dizziness, passing out after eating and I have felt worse than normal. Solitude feels like a punishment.

Grief doesn’t help, I know. And although I am slowly coming to terms with my father dying, my emotions feel like something out of my control that just won’t improve, not matter what I do or how I reason with myself.

I am back in hospital today for another two bags of blood. Those vital red blood cells not only feed my body with oxygen to prevent organ damage, replenish my cells and muscles, it’s crucial for regulating my mental and physical wellbeing through serotonin.

I am relieved to have been reassured by my specialist that I am not a crackpot, and there is a biological explanation. He said, “Don’t worry the blood will definitely help,”.

So here I am again. Bags 15 and 16 today. Big sigh.
I really want the pain and the darkness to go away.