RIP Dad…..

My father died at 0315 today. My mum by his side as she watched him exhale his last breath. He made it to one day past his 77th birthday.

I did not want to see him in hospital, skeletal, and attached to machines. I did not want that to be the last memory I have of him.

I want to remember him as the confident, smart, funny, successful man he was. The man who taught me so many important values. The one I will never stop admiring or loving. Who showed me anything is possible if you put your mind to it.

His month long hospital admission has been a very painful journey to watch from Thailand. The agony etched into my mother’s face everyday when we speak via videocalls.

And despite how my heart aches so much, and the sadness I feel to my core, I am glad he is gone. No more suffering. I didn’t want him to survive this trauma with complications and then eek out a miserable last few years. Enough.

The doctors tried everything to save him. It is the oath they take. Save the patient. Do what’s necessary. I am grateful for their work and the time they gave him.

It was also valuable time that my mum needed to adjust and with more time, I hope she will continue to adjust, as she tries to find new meaning in life. I will be there every step of the way for her. I get my strength from her. I believe she can.

Covid weakened Dad’s lungs and his body. He had no chance of survival, I knew that from the start, despite the optimistic messages from people. He was a very sick man to start. There was never a good foundation to begin with.

I am a realist. I don’t believe in fairytales. My journey with blood cancer has shown me not to grasp at things that will never matieralise or to have false hope because in the end it is more painful.

When my mother called me from his bedside, she was masked up in protective gear, eyes swollen, voice shaking. She seemed to have shrunk in stature. Smaller, meeker, also frail. Overwhelmed by grief and the toll of the last four weeks.

I am grateful she was beside him in the last hours. She would not have wanted it any other way. Her devotion is incredible. And I am so very proud of her.

They had a magical life together, full of love, laughter and crazy arguments for more than 50 years. A marriage that lasted through many highs and lows.

Life will be different without you Dad, but we will cherish all the memories you leave behind. Rest now. Be at peace. We love you.