Hash Cake, canal boats and a peep show

Posted on March 15, 2015


I was away in Morocco for my birthday this year and I have to say I had no expectation and so it was probably the best birthday I have had in a while. Especially as I had the pleasure of spending it with a rather attractive man I had met. Back home in London my friend Sumohogs suggested we celebrate. The last time we did a nutty one-day trip together it was to Brussels for lunch.

“We haven’t done one of those days like that for ages,” I whined.

“Ok let me look at flights,” he agreed.

We were thinking of Naples, but the times didn’t work out. The rule is in and out of a country in 24 hours, no overnighting and no luggage. Passport and credit cards only. Travel light.

In the end we plumped for Amsterdam. It’s been 20 years since I was last there and Sumohogs has never been. We met at Victoria Station, caught a 9am flight and by 11am we were in the Netherlands.

We took the train into the city centre. It was a beautiful sunny day and we had eight hours to fill. We stopped to have a drink at the famous bar on platform two of the station and hatched a plan. Famed for its canals that’s exactly where we went first. A boat ride for just over an hour through the city taking in the main sights that took us all the way up to lunchtime.

Lunch was Indonesian food although disappointedly not as good as it should have been. Still the wine made up for it. A wee bit squiffy we headed towards some famous cafes for special birthday cake. Yup time to peruse the hash cake menu. The choice is so extensive it could give you a nosebleed. En route I stopped to buy tacky souvenirs and cheese! We split the cake but I could have eaten a whole slice on my own, easily. It was very tasty. I waited……I wanted a stronger hit so I approached a young lad at the end of the cafe smoking and shoved him five euros so we could toke a few times on his spliff before heading off the Red Light District.

As I hit the outside air, my head started to whirr. Ah yes I remember what this is meant to feel like now.  As we approached the area it looked less seedy than I remember and the girls all look so young and not at all Dutch. We picked a peep show and crammed into a booth. A few minutes later a woman came through the door and stood in front of us wearing her underwear. She looked nothing like her picture. A little chubby, short, small breasts and a big attitude. She ran through a smorgasbord of what she was prepared to do for us behind glass while we watched. It was a bit like auditioning for a hired help. But at a cost of 30 Euros I wasn’t impressed and the bored look and delivery of her rant didn’t entice me. I was actually rather disappointed. We said “No Thank you: and I dragged Sumohogs out the door and into a sex shop instead where I bought some smutty stuff instead.

The drugs began to kick in and I started to feel light and tingly. I wanted more. 

“Lets have some mushrooms!” I declared tugging at his arm.

“Errr Ash we have an hour before we have to get to the airport.” he answered as he rested his elbows on the counter watching me press my nose up against the glass eyeing the display.

“Iff dis is yur furst tyme, den don’t do dis naw. Do it wen you haf mere time. It’s ok. Mushrooms arrr sooo speshal, you need t enjaw dem,” came the drawn out response of the hippie behind the counter. Talk about eating the profit.

Gutted I wasn’t going to get my way Sumohogs consoled me with a pint of beer in the pub next door. Next tram ride. We didn’t go far, we didn’t have time. Up and down the street giggling like schoolchildren before hitting the airport.

Through customs I went shopping and bought a packet of those ridiculously calorific honey-waffles the Dutch do so well. On the plane we scoffed the lot – munchies!!!

I must have passed out and I woke up horribly confused back on British soil. The clocks are one hour ahead in The Netherlands so we had gained time. By my calculations the flight had only taken 7mins, that freaked me out for a bit until Sumohogs explained it to me – haha! Such a dope head.

Back home I turned the key in my door with a huge grin on my face. Morocco, Nigeria and now Amsterdam all in a ten days! I made a cuppa and sat on my sofa for what felt like 10 minutes but it was in fact an hour. The brew was stone cold when I went to drink it. Wow imagine what I would have been like if I’d gobble up all those mushrooms?!